some cluttered thoughts on writing

I’ve considered myself a writer in the general sense for years and years, but it’s only recently that writing has become such a guidepost for me and a lifeline as I figure out what I’ve learned in these past few months and how best to move forward.  If you follow Sweatpants & Coffee on Facebook, you might have seen that I had an essay published last week as the first installment of their “Right Time, Right Place” series.  You can read that here if you’d like.

I’ve been writing a lot this summer, and I’ve collected all sorts of efforts and first drafts – some of which I post here and some I don’t.  A little of what I write about is concerning my background or parenting thoughts, but much of what I reflect on right now relates to the recent few months of my life and what has occurred. It’s natural that I’d focus on that given that the whole idea of memoir or creative non-fiction is that it is your personal history and your own perspective, and so much of my perspective is growing and changing and taking shape as a result of this year’s events and, more than that, as a result of my willingness to sit down and write it out.

It was HARD for me to hit the send button on my submission with the essay written above. It is by far the most personal thing I’ve ever written, and it deals with some inner thoughts and subjects that are hard to discuss.  I admit I felt things I wish I didn’t feel, and truthfully that is only the tip of the iceberg.

Writing is difficult, I’m finding. — not just because of the craft itself and the act of sitting down to write and having to flesh it all out, but it’s harder still when you consider being truly open and honest and putting your whole heart on the page. It’s like being naked in a crowd and asking people to point at what is wrong with you.

It’s terrifying and liberating at the same time.

I’ve started listening to the Magic Lessons podcast this week, and there was an episode recently with Cheryl Strayed (whose book I wrote about a few weeks ago) discussing this idea of putting yourself out there. Her advice to someone who felt stuck but wanted to write?

“Write. See what’s there, and see what comes. There’s the fear of revealing others, and there’s also the fear of revealing our own hearts on the page. For that, I say you don’t get to duck behind anything. You do get to delve into the deepest, darkest, most interesting waters. And it’s a really fun thing to do and it’s a little scary, too. But the best things are a little scary or a lot scary.”

It’s harder than you’d think – not ducking behind anything. I heard a writer give this same advice once with the reason that a reader can always tell when you are holding back and not being completely forthright.  You don’t want to feel that guarded sense of ego when you read; you want connection with the writer. I agree with that for certain, but it’s hard to put it out there.

But as difficult as it was and as intimidated as I felt, I’ve been rewarded tenfold with the feeling of liberation to finally share such a heavy experience and also the kind messages I’ve received from friends and even from people I don’t know who say they see their own selves a little differently after reading my words and my shared experiences.  Isn’t it amazing when something broken becomes something beautiful?

Have I received harsh words, too?  Of course I have. Not from strangers but from those directly involved, and it’s just an equation I have to continue to weigh and consider as I decide what to share in my writing. My aim is not to drag anyone through the mud, but to share my own piece of the journey, and I hope that is evident in what I write and how I approach it. I will never know someone else’s motivations and thoughts on my experience. That is not my job and not the role of memoir.

The older I get and the wiser I become, the more I realize not everyone will like me and that’s fine. As Jennifer Pastiloff wrote recently… (wow, she resonates with me lately!) “You ABSOLUTELY cannot make everyone happy. (So stop trying.) It’s a no-win situation. It’ll drain you and leave you like a pile of coffee grinds. People will be disappointed for various (often weird) reasons. Sometimes those reasons will make sense, sometimes not. …So stop worrying so much. There is most definitely someone out there who doesn’t like you or feels you’ve failed them. But, on the bright side, the really blinding bright side, the I-need-my-glasses-this-sh*t-is-so-bright-side, there are many people who love you, who think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, who could’ve never made it through X, Y and Z without you, who trust you, who care for you … So let’s do our best to keep moving forward with less second guessing and worrying, less ‘I-wish-everyone-loved-everything-I-said/did/wrote/wore.’ Less, ‘I am a bad/mean/awful person because I had to say NO.’ Let’s try not to intentionally hurt others but for the love of sliced bread (with gluten), let’s give up worrying so much, people pleasing, and all the other time-sucking, love-wasting, energy-vampirish things we do.”  Amen and amen. 

I’m working on abiding by this idea in my writing life and my regular life as well. I am not everyone’s cup of tea maybe. But to others, I am loved fiercely or connected with intensely or appreciated uniquely. Moving on from those who don’t love me – for whatever reasons – is the greatest gift I can give myself and the hardest lesson to learn for this lifetime “people pleaser.”  It’s an ongoing process that requires you thicken your skin on the outside so that you can soften up on the inside.  And for now, I’m getting better at it.

I have every intention to keep on writing.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “some cluttered thoughts on writing

  1. Alice

    “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” Anne Lamont

    This is my current favorite quote. Your writing is beautiful and full of truth. If others don’t like it, they certainly don’t have to read it.

    Also, if HE is worried that his children may one day learn the truth of his (lack of) character, that comes under the same category. He should have behaved better. And even without you writing it down, despite their young age, they will one day know. That is the way these things always work.

    I loved your last paragraph. It is so important to value those who value us for who we are.

    1. I LOVE that Anne Lamott quote, Alice. It is engraved on my brain these days. I do, in fact, own everything that happened to me. And I should clarify that – weirdly enough – HE was reasonably kind when someone alerted him to my essay and he read it. I received a message from him and his initial reaction was not harsh at all but thanked me for “not being inflammatory.” It’s the rest of his family who seem to be so upset. Who knows.

      Thanks for reading and commenting and encouraging me to continue to write. I’ve written my way through every major life transition in the past 5 years on this site – babies, moving twice, quitting work, going back to work, … too many to count. I will certainly write my way through this transition as I have all the others. There are a million sordid, humiliating details I will not air because my purpose is not to embarrass him but to focus on my own piece of it all. I hope that is clear in my writing, and from what I hear from readers (not only friends but strangers) it is evident for sure.

      I have faith that readers – and people in general – are smart enough to tell your motivations and your genuine desire when writing. I’m authentic in my hope to work this all out for myself and help other women the way I’m helped by reading others’ work. I hope that shines through. 🙂

      1. Alice

        The rest of his family wants to sweep his bad behavior under the rug and pretend he isn’t who he is. So there.

        I find your writing absolutely beautiful even when describing the mundane. Keep it up.

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