I have been up this morning since four a.m. with some serious insomnia. I typically keep it light here, so forgive me for a somewhat cryptic post. Edward Forster who wrote Howard’s End once said something like “I don’t know what I think until I see what I say,” and I generally agree. Writing brings some clarity at times.
I am in the midst of some family drama, not my small little family of three, but extended family. And sometimes I wish so badly for a normal one that is not dysfunctional. (Does that even exist?) But the older I get, the more I am beginning to accept that “normal” is not in the realm of possibility for my family relations. Yesterday was such a long day, and I’m sure it was way longer for my siblings who were dealing more directly with this problem than I. Then I settle in after the longest day ever, and my usual pick-me-up shows on my dvr like Castle and Glee are unusually heavy-handed and even sad. Then I head to bed, and the war love story that I am reading brings my lovable protagonist to a concentration camp (really?!) and I’m really dreading reading the final few pages, but after almost 600 of them, I am pretty invested and need to finish. So much gloom and doom lately. It’s no wonder I am up at 4 am and unable to sleep or empty my mind.
When I taught, I had a magnet near my desk that contained my favorite Emerson quote in colorful font. “Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” Hoping for serene beginnings today, and trying to distance myself from some factors I cannot control and focus on the good I have in my own home.
That’s the lovely thing about being the mother of a curious toddler. The world could be collapsing around me, and we are spending the minutes picking dandelions in the backyard or making play dough shapes or pretending to cook with an old spatula and some pots and pans. I know there are some days when this feels isolating, but there are other times still when it’s like a vacation from a stressful life. I’m relieved it’s hump day, and I’ll probably spend time today googling something fun to do this weekend. The zoo maybe. A pick-your-own strawberry farm. A museum. …… More vacation from life and thoughts and responsibilities.
I’ll be back with some happier thoughts later this week when the storm passes.