our final photo from the pregnancy series

We are home and getting settled a bit as a family of four.

Our first family photo. Norah is about 25 hours old here, and Jude about 31 months.

Having two under three years old isn’t crazy chaos all the time, but it is definitely crazy chaos sometimes. We are rolling with it though, and Jude is being super sweet to little sister.

The first time they met, last Saturday night.

I have so much to say, and I am dying to write the birth story, but everything happened really fast once we got to the hospital, so I’ll need my doula’s timeline and photos to write a proper one. I’ll say that it made me feel high and powerful and vindicated and confident and all of the things I thought it would. As it turns out, I’m not broken after all. My body works and it works best without intervention. Last Friday was an amazing day.

But I am finding myself sad in a different way about my cesarean lately. The postpartum hormones don’t help, I’m sure. But before, I was sad for some lost early moments with my son, but mostly just sad for myself if I’m being completely honest here.  I had such a pervading feeling of failure and inadequacy that is completely erased now.  But after Friday’s moments of holding my baby just as she came from me and pulling her from that water myself to lock eyes with her for the first time, I am suddenly reminded of that missing moment in my life with my firstborn.

And then I worry that he will grow up to know how powerful his sister’s birth was for me and how disappointing his was in ways.  And it doesn’t mean that I am disappointed with him in any way, of course.  I would hate it if he grew up to think that.  And I’m sure I am overanalyzing all of this since he is a boy after all, and he doesn’t want to know his mom even has a vagina, much less how I feel about babies coming out of it.  And in this haze of postpartum hormones, I know I am a little sad to see him feeling “left out” or not special anymore, even for a moment.  And that is spilling over into my memories of my kids’ births now, too.

But what I am realizing is that it took a certain path for me to get to that place I was at last Friday afternoon.  The feelings of joy and elation and amazement are there for every mother, I know.  But my particular joy only came from the path I walked to get there.  I had to walk that road to bring me to that moment.  And I will never be grateful for how it all began for me, but I am so grateful for the path it took me down.  For the experience it gave me and the lessons I learned.  It shaped the type of mother  I became, and that person is still growing and would not have begun this path without what happened in October of 2009.  And that moment, crushing though it was at the time, made me a mother.  And as amazing and transforming as last Friday was for me, that is a claim Norah can never make.  My first birth made me a mama and that is a joy all its own.

May 18, 2012
6:39 pm
7 pounds, 10.5 ounces and 20 inches long

She was born in the water without a single medical intervention. I have so much to say when I have the time to string together words and photos and details of the birth. For now, I’ll say that I am blessed beyond measure. She is perfect and healthy and it was every bit the amazing, healing experience I hoped it would be.  We are elated.

Last Friday, I had a pretty intense bout of prodromal labor that didn’t have me calling my midwife yet or rushing to the hospital, but it did leave me thinking labor might be imminent in the days following.  Then Saturday it sort of puttered out, and it all eventually stopped.  Now I am back to being large and still pregnant and completely unable to get comfortable.  I’m also back to assuming she will follow big brother’s timing and arrive something like two weeks from now.  I think I must take a long time to cook a baby.

Do I love being pregnant?  No.  Especially at this stage.  But I realized last night as I was aimlessly cleaning the kitchen and thinking about what we were going to have for dinner that I would be feeling very differently if I wasn’t making the choice to let her come on her own.  Repeat cesareans used to be performed as early as 37 or 38 weeks, but since March of Dimes’ 39 Weeks Campaign has affected hospital regulations recently, most doctors choose to do the surgery at 39 weeks.

Which means, of course, I’d be on an operating table about now.  Or I’d be finally holding my newborn maybe after the hours of separation it takes to recover from surgery.

And while finally holding my newborn sounds really good right now, the idea of CHOICE is sounding pretty good right now, too.  I’m so grateful for the choice to deliver my baby in a way that is accepted by ACOG as safe.  I’m grateful for the research available to help me make that decision.  I’m grateful for the awesome provider I’ve found who supports my choices 100%.  I’m so grateful for the opportunity to let my baby choose her own birthday.

Happy 39 Weeks to me!  Still pregnant.  And happy about that.

Another month or so of the waiting game….

This weekend brought some fun things though when I crossed a big one off the list.  Norah’s room is finished!  Take a look now, folks, because I know most of the details and organization won’t look like this in a couple of months when we have a real eating, sleeping, pooping baby living there.  That much I remember.

We went with Baby Cache again for the crib and most of the furniture because we loved the one we had for Jude, and we actually are still using his as we’ve converted it to a full-sized bed. It’s served us well, and we found one we liked this time, too.

The monogram is one I found on Etsy, and I simply spray-painted it with gray paint. It’s fairly light, so we hung it with Command strips. (There’s a glare in this photo, but I think you get the idea.)

For a long time, I couldn’t fine any bedding I even remotely liked, but then a Pottery Barn sale email landed in my inbox one day, and I settled on the “Dahlia” pattern. We’ve used Jude’s toddler blanket / quilt that came with his bedding as he’s grown older, and I love that it’s a quality item we can keep for a long time for each kid. Pottery Barn nursery details make me swoon. So so cute!

I also decided (Thanks, Pinterest!) to use various fabric and embroidery hoops to decorate the wall above her changing table. I’m really happy with the way it turned out, and it was pretty inexpensive for a large focal point. A bonus is that I also have some scraps of fabric to use for one thing or another.

I chose one particular fabric from that wall to carry to the windows, and I made this simple valance using this easy tutorial.

Add a garage-sale find that I repainted…..

And some other details like a mirror we found at Home Goods and an old Ikea lamp that we used to have in the guest bedroom….

My favorite thing about putting a nursery together is the tiny details that become sentimental. This is the first thing we bought for Norah, just after we found out she was a girl. I found it in a random souvenir shop across from the Louvre on our Paris trip when I was about 22 weeks pregnant. It loosely translates to “When I am grown, I will go to Paris.” I love it and the memories it brings.

And then this little project was a mix of a few different Pinterest ideas (mainly this one), and I am happy with the final result. It’s big brother’s scribbles, hole-punched and glued on a painted canvas to form her letter.

Lastly, we moved the old Expedit shelf and rocking chair from Jude’s room to the nursery. I spent countless hours in this seat last go-around with a newbie, and the shelf became a command center of sorts. The baskets are great for storing burp cloths, blankets, and snacks and such you need as an overwhelmed nursing mama in the early days.  And great for faking organization by hiding the mess.

All in all, I am happy with the way it turned out. It’s not really all that much like my earlier idea, and I discovered that the antique / dusty sort of pink is pretty much impossible to find. Still though, we used some sprinkles of purple and a little pink to lighten up the green, and I think in the end it’s feminine without being overwhelming. Or so I hope.

So that’s the finished project!  Drawers full of baby girl clothes, a finished room, and clean sheets on her bed are making me realize we have a new little person making her entrance soon.  And that’s pretty exciting.

My mom recovered my old American Girl doll from her attic, and even brushed her hair for me and spiffed her up.  I placed her on the shelf where she’ll wait to be played with one day.  There are so many wonderful things about having a boy, and I’ve enjoyed it so much.  That said, it’s really fun to think of passing down a few toys and traditions to a girl one day.

Then Friday night found me at a cozy Italian place with some close friends from my teaching days who were incredibly generous and threw me a baby celebration dinner of sorts.  I’ve already washed and folded some tiny soft baby clothes and blankets, and I love having a “crew” that is waiting excitedly on Norah’s arrival.

Saturday continued the theme of reunions and valued female friendships with alumnae weekend at my alma mater.

The weather was perfect, and while I missed out on the mimosas at this year’s brunch, everything else felt warm and familiar, and I cherish having a space to visit every year to reconnect with old friends,  share memories, converse with loved professors, and be reminded of some of the best memories I’ve got.  Tradition runs so strong there, and it’s a thread that binds closely.

Maybe it’s because I somewhat overdid it on Saturday with all the driving and walking and chatting and just generally forgetting that I am almost 36 weeks pregnant, but yesterday morning brought contractions that weren’t strong enough to call my midwives or anything, but I’d say they were a little beyond my comfort zone of oh whatever, these are just Braxton-Hicks; I’ll ignore them.  The thought of a baby before 40-41 weeks has not entered my mind until the past week or so, but every time I feel a twinge or I am reminded of how low she is getting these days, it’s a nice little nudge that maybe I should be ready before the weekend after my due date which was my original way-of-thinking. Ha! (That said, there is still a good chance that she’ll be late given my prior history, but I am trying so hard to find a balance between being ready for her arrival in a suitable time frame and not going crazy that last two weeks with nothing to do but wait.)

So these contractions worked to light a fire under me, I think, because I froze food yesterday and planted my little herb garden for the year and also managed to finally finish sewing the curtains for her room – a project I have said I’d complete for ages and never got it done until last night.

Then we finished off the sunny weekend with some naked sprinkler time in the backyard, a promise of summer afternoons that are just around the corner.

I wish I could get the cleaning bug as part of my last month of pregnancy hormonal fluctuations.  I know for most people “nesting” is a phenomenon that has them rewashing baby clothes and organizing some long-forgotten bathroom cabinet or something.  So far, I cannot seem to get motivated in that regard.  In fact, I am ashamed to tell you that the nursery is not quite complete yet.  Close, but not done.  (Which is extra funny considering I think my son had clean sheets on his bed at 26 weeks gestation.)  I am 35 going on 36 weeks, and I need a push to finish these sorts of things.

But the one area where I think my nesting instincts are taking hold is my kitchen.  I’ve written before about the glory of freezer cooking and how it helps a busy weeknight come together or a sleepy morning go more smoothly.  I didn’t discover this until my son was about 9 months old, but it would have been so helpful in those early days.  This time I have another mouth to feed, of course.  And I know Jude’s world will feel really different no matter what I do, but I like the idea that he can still sit down at the same table with the same parents during the first few weeks of this transition.

I’ve mostly used Once a Month Mom as my resource for recipes and ideas, and I wanted to link them here as well.  I’m trying to do a good mix of dairy-free and regular recipes in light of a lot of newborn’s sensitivities to dairy in the early weeks.  I was lucky with my son that I could eat anything at all and he was never bothered, but you never know, so I wanted to be at least somewhat prepared for that possibility and not have a freezer full of food I couldn’t eat.  Once a Month Mom now has a dairy and gluten free menu every month, and while I don’t care to limit gluten, I used that menu to get some dairy-free ideas since 99% of my freezer recipes involve cheese, cream, or milk.   So far, I have managed to cook and freeze the following:

Breakfast: Chocolate-Strawberry Scones, Dairy-Free Carrot Raisin Muffins, and Sausage Balls.  Still on the agenda: Berry Baked French Toast and Whole Wheat Chocolate Chip Muffins.  We are big egg-eaters around here, so if I pair an egg with just one muffin or scone, that’s enough.  We should have breakfast taken care of for at least 3 weeks on my calculations, I think.

Lunch: Dairy Free BBQ Beef Sandwiches and Whole Wheat Rolls, Pita Pizzas.  Still on the agenda: Dairy-Free Chicken Taquitos, and “Tacos in a Sleeping Bag.”  (My kid LOVES those!)

Dinner: Dairy-Free Cajun Chicken ready for the grill, Tex-Mex Ravioli Casserole.  Still on the agenda: Chicken Divan, Baked Ziti, Dairy-Free Slow Cooker Greek Chicken, Pasta with Sun-dried Tomatoes and Artichokes, Slow Cooker Chicken and Mushrooms

A few extras like mashed potatoes for a quick side dish and a couple of rounds of pizza dough should help, too.  I also hit up the frozen foods aisle at Trader Joe’s for a few favorites, which for us means Crispy Orange Chicken, Fried Rice, Chicken Tacos, and Croissants.

We have a small chest freezer in the basement, so most of it is stored down there – mainly so I won’t be tempted to dive in to it before the baby arrives.   I just used old paper grocery bags and labeled them for various meals to make things more simple.

Most of the dinner entrees really won’t fit in the dinner bag, so they will be stacked beside it instead.  Still though, walking downstairs to get food and throwing it in the microwave, the oven, or the Crockpot is ten times easier than making something from scratch, and I’m excited to reap the rewards next month.  On the whole, it’s taken far less time than one would think since I typically just double something we are eating tonight and freeze a portion.  I’ve used Jude’s nap time to cook and freeze as well which is always helpful with an hour or two alone.

I am a little lost on the dairy-free menu, so any suggestions on things of that variety that freeze well would be greatly appreciated.  Send them my way!

We did have such a great weekend, despite my waning energy level.  I made a great new cake recipe from one of my newer cookbooks.  For once, it looked every bit as yummy as it tasted.

And we packed in two egg hunts and some fun time with Jude’s cousins.

It was a busy weekend but such a great day, and it feels like springtime is moving fast onto summer.  I’ve sort of told myself that I don’t really have to worry much about our new arrival until the weather gets warm, and I’ve even explained it that way to Jude a few times.  Now April is quickly making way for May, and I still feel like I have so much left  to accomplish before she gets here.  My list is growing longer, not shorter, as I think of more things I’d like to do.  Our calendar has been super busy lately as well which isn’t helping matters, but it is making things move along quickly, I guess.  I have a great weekend in store:  dinner with good friends on Friday evening and a college reunion of sorts on Saturday.  Then social commitments halt until my due date about a month later.  All in all, I am feeling excited and not quite ready which sure beats drained and bored and totally ready and just waiting on labor. I’m sure that will happen soon enough as well though.  Ha!

Happy Monday, friends.  Hope your week is a good one and your springtime is happy.

And I have no idea what is getting in the way of writing in this space.  Jude gets up early now, so I don’t have the early morning solo time I did when he was a baby.  Plus I have been very good (patting myself on the back) about exercising regularly this pregnancy.  I’m on the treadmill four or five days a week.  And the only way that happens is that as soon as I get him down for an afternoon nap, I head to the treadmill as a first priority, and then by the time I get off of it, I’ve got phone calls to make and housework to do and yada yada before he wakes up.  So I haven’t been doing what I am doing right this second – which is skipping my treadmill routine for the day to write or reflect.  But today started with chasing him around a large playground for an hour or so, and it’s approaching 80 degrees here in Georgia (in March?!) so this 32-week pregnant belly said no to my treadmill today.  And yes to a little writing again.

I turned 31 years old last week, or I guess it was almost two weeks ago.  I had every intention to write a birthday post of some kind – commemorating 31 things I love right now or 31 reasons I’m grateful or 31 things I’ve done this year.  But it didn’t happen.  I did a lot though, I realize as I look back.  I went to Costa Rica, spent time in Vancouver, saw Paris with my little family.  I welcomed another pregnancy and thus have gained a few pounds, but with good reason, I suppose.

I started milling my own grains and baking my own bread, which clearly makes me sound like a crazylady, but I love that I eat things I wouldn’t have eaten a year ago and pay more attention to what goes in my body than I ever have in years past.  I finished a ton of craft projects and wrote a lot here, until the past few months when I haven’t.

I’ve done a lot when I really look back and think about it.  But it feels like you’ve done nothing if you don’t stop and think, no?  And that’s why I miss this space so much.  We do little things all the time that seem so much bigger when I take the time to write them down or take a photo.

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Lots of lunches outside lately.

Some Lego building.

Finishing some little projects for the nursery.

Becoming reacquainted with porch sittin’ after a winter of hibernating.

There is a lot to love about springtime, especially with such a potent reminder in our house right now that new life is headed this way in something like eight weeks.  Eight weeks?  How is that possible?  Soon I hope I’m moving past the panic mode and in to the feathering-my-nest mode.  When I think about the first few weeks with my firstborn, all I really needed was diapers, boobs, and a few clothes and blankets, right?  All that is taken care of, so I hope to enjoy these last two months looking on to the fun stuff.  And writing more here, I hope.  I love that feeling of looking back at life when it was so different, right before a new change occurs.  And I want to have some things to look back on to assure me that I actually did something in the spring of 2012.  Park time and ice cream and outside dining as a family of three counts as something very special these days.  Changes coming soon, my friends!

Then last Sunday had us couch-bound with a bowl of soup.  It’s winter’s last hoorah of sorts, and as much as I hate cold weather, I can handle it once the calendar says March because it means springtime is on the way.  Cadbury eggs and marshmallow Peeps are out, and I’m getting an urge to clean.

We shopped a bit at the outlet malls this weekend, and I found a huge comfy bed quilt at Pottery Barn for about half of what is expected for it.  Never underestimate the effect of new bedding and rearranging furniture.  Old things made new again.

Other than that, I’m working on some last nursery crafts and having some adventures in potty learning, which is a topic for a whole other post.  Learning new skills is rarely easy, I guess.  Whether you are big or small.  Or that’s the mantra I tell myself as I wipe up pee on a daily basis.

Happy March, y’all!